Unrequited Love - It's Your Own Silly Fault

 

Hold onto your hat, this might sting.

Did you ever encounter the 'perfect match' only to find that the more you tried to convince them they were just right for you, the more they were repelled by your persuasion?

Well perhaps the key concept here is 'perfect'. Perhaps 'perfect' is the enemy of 'right'?

above: The Idealisation of Perfect Love: Photo by Caleb Ekeroth on Unsplash

Perhaps accepting you are flawed, is kryptonite to 'unrequited love'?

You see, your idea of 'perfection' is subjective, elusive, and always unattainable. It also acts as a camouflage for a number of disruptive elements both within yourself and exterior to you.

When we set impossibly high standards for a partner, our motivation appears noble, but we may find themselves in a perpetual state of unrequited love because such perfection is unlikely to exist. If you are struggling to find the right fit, perhaps you might consider the following questions.

1. Are you setting Unrealistic Expectations?

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4. above: Photo by Keith Tanner on Unsplash The Reality of Perfect Love

5. As we've said, 'perfection' is a subjective concept. it's borderline pathological to realistically expect this from anyone. Also, one might argue a little unfair on the other person. How are they going to match up? Eventually they will disappoint, eventually you will find the motivation to blame them for not being "Who you thought they were."

Have you considered this: Perfectionism is a massive cop-out, isn't it?

When your 'perfect' partner fails (if you get that far) their flaws will disrupt your happiness, but you will be blameless. All the faults and misdemeanours can all be placed at the feet of your (once ideal) partner - not at the feet of anything you have done. Or neglected to do.

Because Flaws are inevitable! Expecting anything different neglects the reality of human nature. Unrequited love is the only logical result as the person seeking perfection continually feels unfulfilled. Often this results in a range of feelings, thoughts and behaviours.

Constant Comparison being one. As any life coach will attest, 'Comparison is the thief of joy'.

The quest for perfection often involves comparing potential partners - or existing partners to an idealised image or 'novel, new special person' - often of someone you simply haven't got to know well enough to see their flaws.

Perfectionism turns you into living human shield against actual grown-up, long-term Commitment. When one is constantly seeking the mythical flawless partner, or are projecting such virtues on some unsuspecting partner they have a built in 'circuit-breaker' justifying why they need not commit to anyone who doesn't meet their ideal. You have blown all the bridges to success, honey.

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2. And of course, beneath this is an insecure relationship with one's self.

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4. Because perfectionism in relationships can be a reflection of one's own insecurities and lack of self-acceptance.

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6. If an individual is unable to accept themselves with their own imperfections, they will struggle to accept imperfections in others.

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8. So an element of projection applies as one hooks into the fantasy of a perfect partner who is always going to be 'too good' for you. Unrequited love results. And of course, the more unrequited it is, the more it 'proves' the other's worth.

The pursuit of perfection in a romantic partner can create a cycle of unfulfilled desires and unrequited love. You may have created a fantasised version of an ideal person who is 'out there' or even 'at work' who will never match your ideal.

If they accept you, and you get what you want, they will disappoint you. If they reject you, and you pine for what you are missing, it will endorse your idealisation of them further.

You simply will not win this one.

Healthy relationships often involve accepting and embracing the imperfections of oneself and one's partner, fostering a connection based on love, understanding, and realistic expectations.

This requires personal development, seek unbiased counsel. Consider finding a Life coach.

I happen to know of one: coachtrainachieve@leeclarkcta

#motivation#lifecoaching#lifecaoch#motivation#success#unrequitedlove