The Focussing Illusion - Or why We Run Away with 'Sharon from Accounting'
It’s a
story as old as time itself. “They were married for years then Tom up and ran
away with Sharon from Accounting!!” I call it 'self-imposed emotional entrapment'.
This is
a story common enough to suggest there is a familiar and consistent
psychological pattern at work.
What is
it that makes people choose to do this kind of thing?
Ok, forget the lure of seduction. (it's too full of pain) Try this.
You’re
on holiday. You love it. The weather, the people, the culture. Wouldn’t it be
great to sell the house, buy a nice little place here, set up a B&B for
expats and live the happy life?
Later
on you return to the cold, wet, windy weather, the same old people, the same
old routine and you obsess about how much happier you were on holiday.
You look
at your partner with all their flaws, their moods and all their little habits
that annoy (like breathing) and you bump into a new person at work who is
effervescent, interesting and most of a good listener and conversationalist. Next
minute you’re fantasising about walks on the beach and a bit of outrageous
action in a discreet motel.
This is
because people fall prey to The Focussing Illusion.
The Focusing Illusion is a cognitive bias that describes your tendency to overemphasise the importance of one particular aspect of a person, an event or decision-making process while neglecting other relevant factors. It is a big factor in life coaching.
This
bias can influence how individuals perceive and make decisions, including in
the context of relationships and the pursuit of happiness.
In the case of seeking a newer partner for happiness, the Focusing Illusion may lead individuals to place disproportionate importance on the positive aspects or potential benefits
of a new relationship.
When
someone is dissatisfied or facing challenges in their current relationship,
they may focus intensely on the idea that finding a new partner will bring them
the happiness they desire. This heightened focus on the perceived advantages of
a new relationship can overshadow other crucial factors that contribute to
overall well-being. The motivation to change is strong, but ungrounded in
reality – at least the ‘reality’ we can convince ourselves of.
The illusion arises because people tend to concentrate on specific features or attributes of a
potential new partner, such as physical attractiveness, shared interests, or initial excitement, without fully considering the complexities and potential challenges that come with any relationship. This selective focus can lead individuals to believe that a new partner will be the solution to their happiness, as they may underestimate the difficulties that arise in forming and maintaining a fulfilling relationship over the long term.
Societal influences, media portrayals, and social comparisons can contribute to the Focusing Illusion in the realm of relationships. Seeing idealised depictions of others' relationships or comparing one's own relationship to seemingly happier ones can further reinforce the belief that a new partner will bring unparalleled joy.
It's important for individuals to be aware of cognitive biases like the Focusing Illusion and to
approach decisions about relationships with a more comprehensive and balanced perspective. Taking into account the full range of factors that contribute to happiness and fulfillment, as well as recognising the potential challenges in any relationship, can lead to more informed and realistic decision-making.
The fact is, ‘Sharon from Accounts’ will, in about eighteen month, be as humdrum as the next person, (to Tom, at least). Her physical attractiveness will become a new standard against which to judge other women, and her ‘little ways’ that once intoxicated will become irritating features. The dream location will turn out to have just as many routines, hiccups and boring patterns as the house in the old location, and you will begin to focus on ‘something better’.
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